Divorce and the loss of a spouse

The first article for this week was written by Stephanie Coontz and entitled, "Putting Divorce in Perspective." In this article Coontz looks at how divorce affects children and what factors account for the variation in these affects.

Coontz quotes one family crusader who states, "The interests of adults and children are often different, and there are too many options today for parents to pursue personal fulfillment at the expense of their children's needs," (98). She states, "Fighting the "divorce culture" has to be the top priority because its the one thing we can affect by making parents realize what disastrous consequences divorce has for the future of their kids" (98). "Divorce can interfere with effective parenting and deprive children of parental resources" (98).

"While it is true that children in divorced and remarried families are more likely to drop out of school, exhibit emotional distress, get in trouble with the law, and abuse drugs and alcohol than children who grow up with both biological parents, most kids, from every kind of family, avoid these perils. What really is meant to be said is not that children in divorced families have more problems, but that more children of divorced parents have problems," (99). "It does not mean that all kids from divorced families will have more problems. There will be outstanding kids and kids with severe problems in both groups, but there will be a slightly higher proportion of kids from never-disrupted families in the outstanding group and a slightly lower proportion of them in the group with severe problems" (99).

"Interestingly, the large majority of children of divorce do not experience severe or long-term problems: Most do not drop out of school, get arrested, abuse drugs, or suffer long-term emotional distress" (100). Alan Acock and David Demo state, "There are few statistically significant differences across family types on measures of socioemotional adjustment and well-being," (100).

"Many of the problems seen in children of divorced parents are caused not by divorce alone but by other frequently coexisting yet analytically separate factors such as poverty, financial loss, school relocation, or a prior history of severe marital conflict" (101). "A critical factor in children's adjustment to divorce is how effectively the custodial parent functions. Usually this means the mother. The main problem for children of divorce is when depression, anger, or economic pressures distract the mother's attention," (103). "Children who were exposed to a disengaged or inconsistently harsh parenting style after a divorce, were more likely to be aggressive and insecure. Children with mothers who were warm, but not always available, were caring, competent children who were exceptionally popular, self-confident, well-behaved, and academically adept" (102).

Another factor, and main danger for children is conflict between parents during and after divorce. "Few marriages disintegrate overnight; the last few months or years are often marked by severe strife. More than half of divorced couples in one national survey reported frequent fighting prior to separation. More than a third of those who fought said that the fights sometimes became physical and that children were often present during these incidents," (104). "Post-divorce marital conflict, especially around issues connected with the children, is the largest single factor associated with poor adjustment in youngsters whose parents have divorced" (104). "Children in disrupted custody cases seem the most disturbed. They were much more likely to develop emotional and behavioral problems" (104).

The degree to which divorce affects children depends on multiple factors, and that specific family. It can depend on the economic situation, the situation between the two parents who have divorced, the ability of the custodial parent to "parent" in a sufficient manner, and things such as school relocation because of the divorce. If these factors are not positive, the children are likely to have behavioral and emotional problems. If these factors are dealt with in a positive manner, the children of divorce could end up with no problems. It is incredibly dependent on the family situation.

The second article on this topic was written by Frank F. Furstenberg and Andrew J. Cherlin and was entitled, "Children's Adjustment to Divorce." This article looks at what factors affect the short-term and long-term adjustment of children to divorce. Studies show a wide range of responses to divorce. Some children do very well. Others fare very poorly.

Furstenberg and Cherlin write, "The first two years following a separation has been labelled as a "crisis period" for adults and children. The crisis begins for children with shock, anxiety, and anger upon learning of the break-up," (493). "Children have two special needs during the crisis period. First, they need additional emotional support as they struggle to adapt to the breakup. Second, they need the structure provided by a reasonably predictable daily routine. Unfortunately, many single parents cannot meet both of these needs all the time" (493). "Depressed, anxious parents often lack the reserve to comfort emotionally needy children. Overburdened parents let daily schedules slip. As a result, their children lose some of the support they need" (493). "Researchers agree that almost all children are moderately or severely distressed when their parents separate and that most continue to experience confusion, sadness or anger for a period of months or even years" (494). Nevertheless, the careful studies show a great deal of variation in the short-term reactions of children. Most of this variation remains unexplained. "Part of the explanation has to do with differences in children's temperaments. Some probably are more robust and better able to withstand deprivation and instability" (494). Others factors will be looked at later in this review (494).

They write, "Even less is known about the long-term consequences of divorces than about the short-term consequences" (494). "The percentage of children from maritally disrupted families who had behaviour or discipline problems at school is more than half-again as large as the percentage from intact families. That's a substantial difference, suggesting that children from disrupted families have a noticeably higher rate of misbehaving seriously in school," (495). However, "the figures also demonstrate that 66 percent of all children from maritally disrupted homes did not misbehave seriously at school" (495). "So one can also conclude that most children of divorce don't have behaviour problems at school" (495). "The fundamental point that all experts agree on is that children's responses to the breakup of their parents' marriages vary greatly" (495). There is no straight path down which children of divorce progress. What becomes important is to identify the circumstances under which children seem to do well.

"A critical factor in both short-term and long-term adjustment is how effectively the custodial parent, who usually is the mother, functions as a parent" (496). It has been noted how difficult it can be for a recently separated mother to function well. "Their own distress may make it more difficult to cope with their children's distress, leading in some cases to a disorganized household, lax supervision, and inconsistent discipline" (496). "Mothers who can cope better with the disruption can be more effective parents" (496). "They can keep their work and home lives going from day to day and can better provide love, nurturing, consistent discipline and a predictable routine. The difference in these two types of mothering after a divorce can be the difference between whether the children are misbehaving or not, and emotionally distressed or not" (496). "A second key factor in children's well-being is a low level of conflict between their mother and father" (496). This was mentioned in the first article I wrote about. "A possible third key factor in children's successful adjustment is the maintenance of a continuing relationship with the non-custodial parent, who is usually the father" (497).

These factors show that there are multiple things that affect children when they experience a divorce in their family. Some children get lucky and get the positive side of these factors, while others are not so lucky and end up with a very disrupted home life.

The third and final article was written by Deborah Carr and is entitled, "Good Grief: Bouncing Back from a Spouse's Death in Later Life." This article looks at what three factors are the most important influences on spousal bereavement and how gender shapes the experience of spousal loss.

"Research reveals that many older men and women survive losses of a spouse with only a brief spell of depressive symptoms, while many report no depressive symptoms at all. Still others, released from stressful caregiving responsibilities, an unhappy marriage, or from watching their loved one suffer an incurable, protracted illness, enjoy improved psychological well-being" (22). "These survivors are neither "pathological" nor "cool." Rather they reveal that there is no single universal way to grieve" (22). "The ways that older widows and widowers grieve reflect how the couples related during marriage, how there spouses died, the strains experienced during the final weeks and months, and their other roles and relationships that might protect against the pain of losing a loved one" (22).

"What must be considered are the three most important influences on spousal bereavement: the age of the husband or wife, how the spouse died, and what the couple's life was like prior to the death" (24).

Carr writes, "Of the 900,000 Americans who lose a mate each year, nearly three-quarters are 65 or older," (24). "Older bereaved spouses have an important coping resource that is seldom available to younger widows and widowers: friends, peers, and siblings who also are adjusting to such a loss. Older adults often "rehearse" for losing a spouse by watching their peers go through the same experience; they can turn to one another for wisdom, practical support, and camaraderie" (24). Young people who lose a spouse do not have this because it is unlikely that there friends there age are going through the same thing. Also, the meaning of life and death is different for older and younger people. "Death may be viewed as the natural conclusion to an elderly spouse's long and meaningful life, rather than the interruption of a life yet to be lived. Most older persons experience such losses after decades of marriage. They have raised their children, celebrated the births of their grandchildren, and enjoyed at least a few years of retirement together" (24). Few feel that "they are being robbed of a long future together" (24), which is how younger widows and widowers feel.

"Age is not the only factor that shapes the experience of losing a spouse; the cause of death is also important" (25). "Most older spouses die of a chronic illness, or a long-term illness that causes physical pain or disability and often requires intensive care" (25). "Older caregivers report high levels of strain and depressive symptoms when their spouses are still alive, yet many bounce back shortly after their spouses die. One study showed that caregivers had high levels of depressive symptoms while caring for their spouses, yet showed a dramatic decrease in symptoms after their spouse had died. More than 90 percent felt that death was a relief to the patient, and 72 percent admitted that the death was also a relief to them" (25). For many bereaved spouses, the "event of the loss is not as painful as the long "death watch" period, which is often filled with drawn-out suffering" (25).

"Another reason that some older people are spared sever distress is that the death of a spouse may be a release from a marriage that was stifling or unrewarding" (25). "People with the most close-knit, loving marriages experience the most severe symptoms of sadness and yearning in the first six months after their loss" (25). The CLOC study shows, "Widows and widowers who had the most problematic marriages show better psychological health following their loss than do their married peers who remain in such troubled relationships," (25). Widows experience a boost to their self-esteem when they are "freed from a marriage that had been stifling" (25).

"Men and women experience marriage in very different ways, so they also experience the loss of a spouse differently" (25). "For women, widowhood often means a sharp dip in economic resources. Because men earn more than women during their working lives, they receive higher Social Security benefits upon retirement or disability. When the husband dies, these monthly checks are reduced. Widows are consequently more likely than widowers to experience distress and anxiety about money" (26).

"Men are more likely than women to experience sickness, disability, and death after their wives die. This is because they have lost their helpmate and caretaker" (26). "Wives typically monitor their husbands' diets, encourage them to exercise, remind them to take their medications and urge them to give up vices like smoking and drinking. When their wives die, these reminders cease as well" (26). "Even worse for men, though, is that their wives are often their primary (if not only) source of social support and integration. Widows report higher levels of both practical and emotional support from their children than do widowers, reflecting long-established patterns of reciprocity" (26). "For these reasons, widowers are much more motivated than widows to seek new romantic partners soon after their loss" (26).

This presents the three factors that are the most important influences on spousal bereavement and how gender shapes the experience of spousal loss.